Silver Linings.

Yet another blog. This new one will be more of the personal kind and I'll leave that Myspace one as a decoy. So lemme start afresh with something personal....

Last weekend I saw her. The current object of my affections. She's been back to NYC for a few weeks now. Now I've been known to be quite aloof myself but I've been fearing the worst. I've been torturing myself for the past couple of weeks trying to come up with any sense of hope. That whatever shred of what's left of it would hold true. I'm afraid that perceptive side of me rarely ever fails me coz what she told me me that night I had already figured out on my own. When she had left me that voicemail I knew it was of that impending moment. Despite all of that I was still hoping.....hoping, hoping, and even then I couldn't wait to at least see her for a moment even if it meant having your heart come crashing down. I mean what else can I do? How else am I suppose to feel? I fell for her. I mean I really did this time, it was almost an alien feeling. That never truly happens with me. And it's not like I've ever been much of a realist. They call me a dreamer. They tell me to get my head out of the clouds. They always ask me what I'm thinking and why don't I just say it. They tell me to grow up. They say they just don't get me. I think I need to start listening to them. I fear this is yet another instance in which I've daydreamed one away. Ooooh, but this one's especially hard. I remember feeling this way about someone only one time before....Mary Kris all those years ago. Yes babe I should've taken you to your prom. Yes, yes I know, Virginia could've waited. I'm sorry I'm frustrating, I really don't know how to explain myself either. But at least we know we'll always love each other.....Yes, I knew this feeling once before. It's when every time I think of "her" I get that lump in my throat; that lump of bittersweet sadness. I'm getting those lumps again.

I know it must've been very hard for her too. She must've known of how very fond I am of her. It's never easy when you're in a situation like that. I've been on the other side of the equation and I always feel shitty about it. You feel bad because you feel for the other person knowing it's not as shitty when you're on the receiving end of it. In all actuality I gave up hope of seeing her that night after all my texts and calls went unanswered. She wasn't at that original destination. I didn't crack one smile there but instead was chronically scanning the crowd. Jazzy knew why, Gina knowing me so well could probably tell something was troubling me. But I was like fuck it you know....I hate it when I get people down with my problems. In the grand scheme of things what are my problems really? I was intent on drinking and dancing my pain away so we went back to this dope little spot called Goodworld in Chinatown where we had all hung out a few months before. When I say dope it usually pertains to the type of music and type of people chilling there not one of these overpriced stuffy Soho joints.

To a degree I'd stop thinking about her. Ain't nuthin like some good ol skool hiphop to get you in that positive frame of mind. Dancing is like that with me. I try not to do the recreational pharmaceuticals anymore and I find dancing is actually even more therapeutic. I took a break and so there I was being my usual wallflower self contemplating if whether I should upgrade my Stella to a straight up whiskey on the rocks when all of a sudden the object of my affection pops up in full view. Right in front of me was the girl that had soo piqued my interests in what seemed like a lifetime ago. It was really only last summer. I must've hugged her like 10 separate times. I must've had that look I used to get when we were opening gifts during our childhood Christmases in the Philippines. I couldn't remember the last time being so happy. Then we went outside and talked for a bit and that's when she told me. I told her I kinda figured . I tried to put on my straightest face and told her that its ok....that it's cool. I didn't want her to feel awkward and I appreciated her telling me in person. I was hurting definitely, but I just kinda sat there not knowing what to say. Then she went back inside and in my full view from outside she was dancing with a guy who I assumed was the other guy. I just sat there for awhile smoking a cigarette and watching her. I couldn't blame her for anything. I remembered that summer when I was dancing with her at that bar....she was always kinda of a goofy dancer. Goofy but in a good way; like free, like dancing as if no one was watching. I loved that about her. That's how I've always danced albeit with some breakbeat, liquid, pop and lock breaker moves thrown in. So yes for a couple minutes of pure bliss I was now officially amidst the shitty phase of the process. Thats when I started to experience those first bouts of them lumps of sadness. And at the moment of writing this I am still deep in that shitty funk. Yup....there went another lump of sadness. Whatver the case, I think that couple minutes of pure bliss was worth it.

Finally I got up the courage to get back inside. I walked past them and halfheartedly started dancing with Jasmine. She knew something was wrong. She asks me if that was the girl. The pained look in my face was confirmation enough. I told her if I could still remember how to cry I probably would be. She led me by my hand and led me back outside. It was at that moment I saw a side of Jasmine that I've always known was there but have shut out since she came into my life. She hugged me repeatedly and comforted me as best as she could. This is the type of beauty I'm drawn too....fuck all the superficial. I'm gaining a newfound appreciation for her. I could see myself with her or with someone like her, I always have since I first met her at Philly a couple years ago. These are the attributes I tend to latch onto when I meet someone new. Although sometimes I do forget that you can see this side of people arise from your overall preconceived notions of them. I think in a way I have blocked out Jasmine for awhile now. I do think I have an eye for good peoples no matter how flawed. Real recognize real, and part of that real are those flaws. I think I've also just described myself. See this is a silver lining. In a sense my life had been in pause since I fell for this girl. She moved away to Cali and I was stuck here waiting and hoping for the past year. I've blocked out so many people during that time. So when she finally came back and it didn't happen the way I had hoped for it is as if that figurative pause button of my life was lifted. I need to do some catching up. I'm of the thought with the people you care about, love should be given freely and without personal expectations. While it's true that love can bring such misery and pain, when you do a quick retrospective of our loved ones, oft times what you remember are of the good and happy times you shared, not the misery and pain. For the object of my affection that night at Goodworld, I will remember that couple minutes of pure joy when I saw her and hugged her like 10 different times. That's what will always stick out in my mind.

So what other silver linings? Do affections fade away? Do these feelings pass? It really depends. There must've been a slew of girls I had been convinced I was in love with. That seems to be a recurring theme with me. I act way too much on feeling and at the moment. At the time it seemed that way. Eventually those strong feelings tend to fade away. Does it mean you love them any less? No but it does mean you didn't really love them in that certain intrinsic level. But on the other hand before last week, there was always one who stood out among them and there was always that understanding between us. It's that mutual understanding of adoration. It hasn't changed and it's like physical absence from her doesn't change that certain unexplainable feeling. I've been back to NYC for 4 years now and I have yet to see Mary Kris. She is now a resident at some hospital here. But on some random occasion she'd sent me out a message. She'd ask me to go to the beach or link up for some Starbucks. My love for caramel macchiata stemmed from this girl. But I never take her up on the offer. Why? Because that's what you do when you love someone and you feel you can't make her happy the way she really deserves to be. I don't want to be that person holding anyone back, especially the people you care about the most. That's what you do when you truly love someone, you're willing to sacrifice your own happiness. So yet again I've daydreamed myself into a funk but ultimately I'm okay with it. I dream because in reality truly loving someone requires so much more than that. Of which I can't sufficiently offer. I'm afraid that is my reality and until I fix me I will willingly continue letting the ones I truly love slip away.

....oh but I do got me some blues. Sing it to me Nina.....

(.....it's toooo bad, it's soooo sad
.....you loved me, then you snubbed me.....
......but what can i do??
I'm stiiiiiil in looooooooove with you....)